


sufficient? substitutes

by futomomo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Self-Hatred, Tokyo Training Camp Arc (Haikyuu), Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, sorry tsukki :( ur gonna be goig thru it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:34:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27468022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futomomo/pseuds/futomomo
Summary: tsukishima had pined after yamaguchi probably since they first met. this didnt change, even after the gray filter over his life darkened even more. during the training camp tsukishima attempts to move on from a hopeless attempt, but is met with a placeholder for his attention...or three?*added artwork btw :)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 98





	1. constellations

**Author's Note:**

> like mentioned in the tags, this fic deals with a lot of heavy topics, mainly addiction and mental illness, along with the aversion to help those issues. also should be said this is my first fic so! the writing isnt the best, and chaps will be pretty short until the main conflicts happen! this has sat in my drafts for a while, so any criticism is welcome !! pls! 
> 
> *ships may change as i write this btw

Tsukishima decided that dewy grass in between his fingers was probably the best sensation in the world. He couldn’t stop the smile creeping onto his face as the blades tickled his cheeks and exposed legs. He lay at the top of the all too familiar penalty hill, but all annoyances he associated with it were suddenly gone. It didn’t matter when he was currently captivated with the moon’s rays shining down on him and the rare clusters of stars in the sky. Nothing mattered except this feeling of euphoria.

Maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea to pop some pills when he was at a school sanctioned away trip, but the thought quickly evaporated from his mind. Despite the jaw clenching and the uncontrollable eye movement Tsukishima quite liked the overload of serotonin and endorphins overwhelming his brain; a contrast to the constant numbness he felt. He was also fond of the very illegal website he managed to access the uppers from, as there was no way the shady guys in Miyagi had anything close to Adderall, much less MDMA.

He was in this moment, the moment of swaying grass and cicadas, the dark sky and just him. He was alone but it was alright in this second. It wasn’t cloying, it wasn’t like he was in the stands of a volleyball game where his world fell apart around him. It wasn’t like watching everybody else striving, reaching to improve while he crawled away too scared to commit to something, anything, for the fear of being let down. It wasn’t watching his best friend make heart eyes at the doe- eyed manager, who Tsukishima shouldn’t hate, but spited nonetheless. This was artificial, a chemical compound made in a dingy lab, but it made him feel real euphoria. Maybe if the tight ass officials in Japan got high they would understand instead of sending people behind bars.

Tsukishima was preoccupied with his hands in the wondrous grass and the moon in the sky that he hardly noticed faint chatter coming from the building behind him. Honestly he wouldn’t have given a fuck even if he had heard those distinct voices. He shut his eyes and ignored the world around him, letting the sensation wash over his body.

~.~.~

While the first year may have been ignorant of his surroundings, the three figures wandering the halls were not. While Coach Nekomata may not have set strict rules for the training camp, it was assumed that players wouldn’t be wandering the halls at midnight. Except it was a full moon, and one particularly boisterous ace decided he wanted to take his friends star gazing. Except there was a clear issue in his plan.

“Bokuto-san… There’s no way we’ll be able to see constellations in Tokyo, there’s too much pollution,” Akasshi sighed. While he appreciated the thought, it wasn’t worth sneaking out and getting caught if all they could see was the moon and a couple stars.

The man in question pouted and whined, while Kuroo slung his arm around the setters neck, almost making him topple.

“Akaashi! Don’t ruin the moment, Bo here is trying to be romantic! Plus, it’s not like we get to see each other all the time either,” Kuroo smirked, and crowded him more, pulling Bokuto in with him.

“See Akaashi! Two against one, I win this time!”

Akaashi huffed with the other two high fived, and led them up the penalty hill. Their legs might have been in agony after rigorous practice, but they trudged on. Suddenly, Bokuto halted and pulled on Kuroo’s sleeve.

“K-Kuroo, do you see something over there?” He lifted a shaking finger to their destination, and the other two squinted.

“Do you think someone passed out from those suicide runs?” Kuroo said, but they all knew that the only team who had taken enough penalties to be that exhausted would be Karasuno, and there was no way the almost parental captain and vice captain would let one of the baby crows stray from their sight.

Akaashi shook his head and continued , yet lo and behold, if he looked hard enough, there was a shadow at the top of the hill. A shadow that seemed to be… Humming?

As the three cautiously approached the figure, Akaashi confirmed his suspicion, and this person was in fact mumbling a melody. A crown of dusty gold locks and long pale limbs came into sight. It was obviously the first year they practiced with, but there was something foreign about the situation. The perceptive boy was seemingly unaware of their presence, and had an almost serene expression on his face. At least until one of them decided to shout his name.

“Tsukki! What are you doing out here?”

“Yea Tsukki, if you sleep out here you’ll catch a cold, and then you won’t be able to practice with us!”

Akaashi all but face palmed. He didn’t mention the fact that Tsukishima wouldn’t actually get sick because it wasn’t actually cold outside, but flashed the other two a look before turning his attention back to Tsukishima.

He expected a scowl or sneer, but he was actually.. Smiling? Both Bokuto and Kuroo also seemed a bit shocked at his expression as the younger opened his eyes and a curve of his lips replaced his peaceful expression. A smirking condescending Tsukishima was normal, but this one honestly took the breath out of him.

The other two seemed to be in the same situation and were too shocked to open their mouths.

At least until Tsukishima decided to tug on Kuroo’s ankle and ushered them to join him.  
Okay, this was getting a little too weird.

“Tsukki, are you trying to get us to sit down with you so you can strangle us?” Kuroo questioned, even as he crouched and moved to sit with the younger.

“What? No, I was just being nice is all, is that not allowed Kuroo?” He looked up at the captain lazily and his smile turned to a pout.

Kuroo flushed a bit and flopped onto the plush greenery, where Akaashi and Bokuto followed.

“I didn’t say that but..” he paused and looked at his friends before Akaashi continued for him,

“We’re surprised you’re engaging with us, usually you head to the showers right after practice”

“Well, yea, I guess, but maybe I just want to be sociable right now,” Tsukishima huffed before falling back from his sitting position and laying down. Bokuto blinked his owlish eyes and shrugged before settling on his back as well.

They lay like that for a while, Kuroo trying to point out constellations until being corrected by Akaashi, as half of the stars were obscured by the city smog. When there was a calming lull of silence it was interrupted by Bokuto shouting about a shooting star, until Tsukishima burst out in laughter and told him he’s sure it's an airplane.

The atmosphere was enjoyable but Akaashi couldn’t help but glance at the first year every ten minutes. The stoic Tsukishima was definitely different than normal, his body language was relaxed and he was actually being touchy? Usually he wouldn’t let anybody within his personal space, much less sling an arm around his shoulder. However, on this night the blond was initiating contact with Kuroo on his left, touching shoulders or fingers. When he wasn’t doing that he would sit up to face Akaashi and Bokuto on his right, going on random rants about the twilight sky and the constellations he would see from Miyagi, or how the moon was brighter when he looked at it from his bedroom window. He actually reached over to touch the ace's hair before chuckling and saying he looked like a blow dried owl. While Bokuto and Kuroo seemed confused they accepted the friendly contact and were glad that maybe Tsukishima had become more comfortable with them.

Akaashi sighed and let the rare smile slide onto his lips. When they first pulled the first year into practice he was intrigued, but it seemed as if Kei had his walls up, and dismissed any helpful critiques. Recently he seemed to have improved, but he still didn’t let himself truly unwind with his upperclassmen. Maybe other people wouldn’t see the casual laughs and comments as anything other than normal, but Akaashi knew better. Tsukishima had become comfortable with them, finally.


	2. dreams that hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it doesn't matter how many times it happens, tsukishima knows the high isn't worth the pain afterwards. those moments of weightlessness he feels are worth it, at least until it all comes crashing back down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also ik that hallucinogens are not easy to find in japan but ill explain in later chapters how tsukki gets drugs (yes this was a plothole i thought of after i wrote this bc i live in america and u can find drugs wherever u live ahehehe love it here) 
> 
> and,, it should be noted that many of the moments i write concerning pills and the effects are based on the fact that alot of the stuff tsukishima gets is not that good in quality so length of the high and intensity are dulled! like a normal trip on molly would be 5/6 hours but it's more like 2/3 here, iidk i wanted to explain in case anyone thought the details i wrote were inaccurate which they are lol
> 
> AND this chapter is really short, i prewrote a lot of this fic and school is on my ass, ill probs go back and edit chapters but im stressed asf so yeea, sorry abt this ik its kinda rushed ANYWAYs sorry for all the notes tehe

Tsukishima couldn't help the urge to crowd in closer to the three sources of warmth at his side. What started as a distance that was socially acceptable became close to a cuddle pile. If Kei was sober he might have hurled at such a blatant disrespect of personal space, but he wasn't and instead found the personal heaters quite appealing. He was draped across Bokuto as he told Akaashi about the Corvus constellation they would have been able to see if Tokyo didn’t have a layer of smog over it. Akaashi periodically nodded and Kuroo interrupted to ask questions, but Tsukishima didn’t mind. Bokuto even followed along as well, albeit with his face scrunched as he tried to pay attention. Kei was halfway through his rant about the balls of light and gas when he paused. His gold eyes met green and they seemed to peer into his soul. It was like he was picking apart his core, and laying it out to inspect. He wasn’t sure if he liked it. 

He averted his gaze and clenched his jaw before looking up when he heard Akaashi’s voice.

“I’m glad you let us join you, Tsukishima-kun. I thought you would have left us when we approached you”

“Yeah,” Bokuto yawned, “We should do this again before training camp ends, maybe bring Kenma and Shrimpy with us too!”

Kuroo hummed in agreement before turning to Tsukishima, who was staring into the distance. The older knocked his shoulder.

“Earth to Tsukki? Surprised you’re being agreeable with that statement,”

Kei hummed and reclined onto his back again.

They sat like that for a moment longer before Akaashi had to urge them to return to bed. They still had practice tomorrow, and it would be harder to sneak back in if they stayed out until dawn. 

While Bokuto nodded a little sleepily Kuroo dragged him up and Akaashi got to his knees. 

They almost turned to leave but Tsukishima was still lying on the grass.

He whined when Kuroo also reached for his arm and pulled him upwards, but compiled all the same. They split ways and watched as Tsukishima ambled to the Karasuno designated sleeping area, while the other three continued down the hall.

They only made it to the corner until Kuroo stopped and sighed, 

“So… I’m not saying I don’t enjoy this new Tsukishima, but it's kinda weird. Do you think he’s gonna return to saltyshima tomorrow?” 

“I think he was probably just tired! I bet Tsukki is super friendly really, but he tries so hard to be standoffish!” Bokuto added while frowning.

Akaashi could tell both of them were hopeful for a friendship with Kei, and felt the same way he did. They wanted this more open Tsukishima, they wanted him to let down his walls. Maybe beneath those layers of aloofness and snark the teen was really just like anyone else.

**~.~.~**

As soon as those footsteps receded, Tsukishima let himself put a hand on the wall to steady himself on the trekk to his bed. He already missed that stupid hill and talking to those three, about the constellations he saw in Miyagi, the ones they could’ve seen in Tokyo. Time passed quickly and soon they were standing up. Standing and walking were always more difficult when he was high as fuck. He knew this, but didn’t find it in himself to try and act normal. He would blame his stumbling on tiredness tomorrow, but in those moments he didn’t try to fake normality.

He would usually try to hold up some facade when he was around teammates, friends, or his parents. It took more effort than he was willing to, but it became easier. He was quiet already, so if he didn’t respond too quickly or elaborate it was normal Tsukishima. Even Yamaguchi had become used to this.

He inhaled sharply and shook his head. The feelings of euphoria from before were becoming sour. He tried to abandon those thoughts and quietly slid open the door to the room they slept in. He stumbled around as carefully as he could before flopping onto the floor. 

Tsukishima turned his face and was met with one drooling Tadashi. He had the urge to embrace him, brush his hair out of his eyes. This was nothing new but it was harder to stop fixating on his friend. He tossed the blanket to the side, it was too hot. It was suffocating. Usually Tadashi would be the hardest to keep up with, the hardest to convince he was alright. At the beginning this was something that held him back. He wouldn’t get high if Yamaguchi was there, he didn’t want those concerned looks and worrisome questions, as much as his heart fluttered when those doe eyes filled with concern were directed at him. Even if he could get doped up at family dinner or during class, he couldn’t with Tadashi. Those soft hazel eyes seemed to analyze every slurred word or slow reaction. Recently the opposite was true, and Tsukishima could take more and his friend barely seemed to notice. He was too busy thinking about her. He squeezed his eyes shut. That was okay. It was fine.

He was fine. Fine. 

_His tongue felt stuck in his mouth, his mind was cloudy, and he couldn’t seem to move his feet right._

_Shit._

_Yamaguchi was talking to him, right? He saw his mouth moving. Pink lips, plump, probably really soft if he touched him._

_He looked back at his friend's eyes._

_“So what do you think Tsukki? Should I ask Yachi or is that too weird? I don’t wanna be awkward! Ugh, why is this so difficult!”_

_Tsukishima wanted to say something, anything. He wished he could scream no at Tadashi, yell at him that_ _he_ _was right there, that there was no need to look at_ _her_ _. But he was preoccupied with putting one foot in front of the other, focusing on not slouching to the left or right too much. Fixating on the pill he took when he woke up crying for no reason._

_Instead he hummed, letting his best friend decide if it was a ‘yes’ hum or a ‘no’. Yamaguchi continued to babble about his crush and Tsukishima faced the road in front of him. He wished he wasn’t a coward._


	3. inconsequential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was ironic that yamaguchi had joined the team back in middle school, trailing behind tsukishima and following him all the way to karasuno. now, tadashi was the one running ahead and leaving him behind without another look or glance, as if tsukishima were just another stepping stone.
> 
> though perhaps that was what he deserved after treating yamaguchi the same way. he really wished he could curl into a ball tight enough to disappear because honestly nobody would even notice, much less care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i revised this from the og version! much happier with it, and ik im dragging out the confrontation but i want tsukki to suffer just a bit more lmao
> 
> next update might take a while bc i hate writing dialogue if u couldnt tell by how little i included here, but its necessary for plot!

As if having his failed love life shoved in his face overnight through a coagulation of dreams and bitter memories wasn’t enough, the sounds of chatter and the light streaming into the room made him want to smash his head with a hammer. The thought of having to play volleyball made his stomach curl, and that was before he realized Karasuno basically sucked ass at the moment and they would almost certainly be repeating the pattern of being the team with the most penalties. He really stayed in volleyball for Tadashi and almost laughed upon the realization that he hated the sport more than ever because of a certain freckly number eleven. He groaned and pressed his head into the plush fabric even more.

It was ironic that Yamaguchi had joined the team back in middle school, trailing behind Tsukishima and following him all the way to Karasuno. Now, Tadashi was the one running ahead and leaving him behind without another look or glance, as if Tsukishima were just another stepping stone. Though perhaps that was what he deserved after treating Yamaguchi the same way. He really wished he could curl into a ball tight enough to disappear because honestly nobody would even notice, much less care.

Tsukishima would have been content to rot where he lay, become one with the floor and never see any life form ever again. That would have solved multiple issues he really did not want to face today. However, he was in for a pleasant reminder that he could never get anything he wished for when he got a sharp poke in his back. He chose to ignore it in favor of the cool tatami mats. Then another jab, which devolved into what Kei would consider a full-on assault.

He swiveled his head around at breakneak speed and was about to tell whoever it was to fuck off, but his stomach lurched and he felt himself breaking into a cold sweat. He tried to play it off and squinted at the two figures in front of him before putting his glasses on.

His stomach did another set of flips as he was met with gremlin one and gremlin two, also known as Nishinoya and the Shrimp.

Both of them were grinning as if they accomplished something other than just pissing him off and almost making him hurl on the floor.

“Oi! Tsukishima! Get your lazy ass up, breakfast will be over soon!”

“Y-yeah! If you don’t eat more your arms will snap like toothpicks!” Hinata added, probably trying to reprimand him. Tsukishima gave the feral pair a withering glare and got up.

This was an unwise decision as the room was getting a little dark and splotchy, and he was pretty sure everything was spinning. That was fine, he just had to stand still for a minute, or maybe just pass out, then he could return back to dream Tadashi who was somehow more angelic than in reality. The prospect was tempting but when he was finally stable he grumbled and left the room, leaving the two idiots trailing behind him shouting about new combos they were gonna try in the matches today.

Lord give Tsukishima mercy.

**~.~.~**

Apparently all mercy was out of stock because Kei couldn’t catch a break, which he honestly should not have been too surprised about. During breakfast he couldn’t bring himself to finish any food, and was pestered by mother hen Suga. The urge to vomit increased tenfold when he caught sight of Yamaguchi sneaking glances at Yachi during the whole meal. Now he was dealing with a hangover and his chest felt caved in and it was hard to breath without a hitch.

When the pestering to consume any kind of sustenance finally stopped he excused himself and made his way over to the sinks. Tsukishima grimaced at the reflection as he definitely looked like a semi ran him over, then reversed, then ran over him again before speeding away. The usual shadows under his eyes seemed amplified against his waxy paper skin, and the whites of his eyes were bloodshot as hell. Tsukishima quickly splashed his face with cool water as if that would help him at all. He gave himself a quick pep talk that at least during the matches today he would have minimal contact with Yamaguchi. That thought alone was depressing but the prospect that the day was most likely to go downhill sucked the last of whatever was left of his soul. Then he looked up and felt his earth shatter. Kuroo, Akaashi, and Bokuto stood chatting at the edge of the gym. Shit.

He tried to avert his gaze and picked up the pace. Hopefully they wouldn’t notice him, and with all the matches planned today they wouldn’t be able to talk to him or ask any questions that would certainly raise some eyebrows. All he had to do was avoid eye contact and then he could hide out during lunch right? Then after practice Kei would have to find a way to avoid extra blocking so he wouldn’t be confronted. Maybe he could join Tadashi instead, have his heart stomped on a bit as he talked about Yachi, then slink off to the showers instead of to dinner. A solid plan.

As they began drills, Kei found himself more occupied with his own stupidity last night and he really hoped he could avoid the awkward questions about high Tsukishima, because sober Tsukishima would not be able to respond. The more he reflected on his usual hard ass attitude versus him tripping balls the more his soul withered away. There was really no way he could brush off four hours of him acting like  _ that  _ unless he decided to keep up the touchy persona for the rest of the training camp _.  _ Tsukishima brushed that idea off as soon as the thought came into his head, and he had to remind himself that if he planned well enough he wouldn’t have to interact with that trio at all. Just make it through a couple more days and those three would forget the encounter and he could move on.

**~.~.~**

It was at about halfway through the match with Ubugawa that Tsukishima knew he would not be able to avoid the topic of the other night. Akaashi kept sending him not so subtle looks and Bokuto was waving at him and trying to get his attention most of the morning. Not to mention Kuroo attempting to make conversation throughout their rather one-sided match. Kei combatted this behavior by pretending none of them existed, but it was quite hard when the rooster headed middle blocker was right across the net. Tsukishima chose to look at the waxed wood floors or the woven net.

This frame of mind caused Karasuno to lose yet another match, but as his teammates groaned Kei wanted to pump his fist in victory. The rest of their games were against the teams who were slightly less irritating, basically not Fukurodani or Nekoma. He could deal with Bokuto’s overly friendly calls since that was a constant even before the shitfest that happened the night before. While the matches involved less unnecessary conversation, Tsukishima had to deal with the pressure of those emerald eyes that seemed to say, ‘ah yes, I knew you were a drug addicted ass hat from the beginning, last night just confirmed my suspicions’. Kei shook his head and mentally replaced ‘drug addicted’ with ‘chemically experimental’. Because it’s not like he relied on those artificial lab made pills to feel something, absolutely not.


	4. anchor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was easy to stop thinking about the fond looks thrown between those three if he couldn't even form a comprehensive thought at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me writing a whole extra chapter for a minimal reason,,, sorry for the delay in updates, i felt like i needed to further tsukishima's inner monologue and self deprecating thought process! also i feel like for the plot to make more sense i needed to give u guys more insight into tsukkis relationship with yamaguchi
> 
> tw// implied self harm and self destructive behavior, summary in end notes if you don't wanna read, but it isn't describe in a graphic way just mentioned briefly n implied

Logically Kei knew he was in the clear and nobody would come arrest him in the middle of the training camp that honestly no one gave two shits about, but that didn’t help his anxiety. His whole body was tensed up and the overexertion from constantly blocking and playing matches made the soreness hit harder. The sooner he could get out of this godforsaken gym, the sooner he could numb himself, the sooner this whole training camp could be over. Then Tsukishima could pretend that he never let himself be so dumb as to slip in front of three strangers. He could simply go back to ingesting illegal compounds in the comfort of his room, or alternatively the comfort of whatever abandoned building was not occupied by other fucked up teenagers.

Tsukishima drew himself out of his self reflection of stupidity and picked at his fingers while he waited for Daichi to finish his speech that was supposed to inspire the team, something about ‘great opportunities’ or some bull Kei had heard too many times in his short life. He was really wondering how the captain’s cheap words would have moved any of his fellow players, but as he made a glance around him he saw everyone else looked eager. He sighed and moved to leave before anyone noticed his absence, the tingly cold sweat from not taking something in more than six hours would only get worse if he ignored it.

“Tsukki! Wanna practice? Or are you running off to those elites instead?” Kei never thought hearing _that_ soft voice would make him want to throttle someone but here it was. He turned around and was faced by Yamaguchi who looked a little too optimistic given Tsukishima had never given the slightest hint he wanted to practice, especially after the dark cloud that hung around him during the matches today.

Apparently his silence wasn’t a no, so Yamaguchi wrapped his fingers around Kei’s wrist instead, beginning to pull him away from the entrance of the gym towards the rest of the players. 

_Shit._

Tsukishima resisted the urge to let out a noise as he felt the warmth of the grip through his long sleeve shirt. At any other time he might have relished the fluttering in his chest, however he couldn’t enjoy the sensation as much with the pressure of Tadashi’s hand irritating his sensitive wrist. He gently tried to pry his arm out of grasp, which meant he wrenched away rather suddenly, which turned out to be the wrong move as his wrist stung rather harshly.

“Tsukki? Are you-” 

Kei cut him off roughly,

“I’m fine,” he looked up into those concerned hazel eyes and felt a twinge of guilt, quickly rushing to make a half-hearted excuse, “just tired, I wouldn’t be much help practicing anyway, you should ask Asahi to block instead.”

Yamaguchi protested, “Yes, but I wanted-” 

It seemed a hard stare from Tsukishima was enough to make him pause. His face looked hurt, so Kei looked at the floor to avoid any more regret for acting like a dick. 

“Um… Yeah I’ll ask Asahi-senpai. You should get some rest.” The sentences were short and clipped in the way Tsukishima knew he had majorly fucked up. Still, he couldn’t find it in himself to say anything else as he dug his nails into his sore wrist, instead nodding and quickly walking out of the gym.

The sound of buzzing cicadas and volleyballs slapping the floor seemed muffled as Kei’s heartbeat was amplified in his ears. He tried to shove that hurt expression Tadashi gave him out of his mind, but he couldn’t drag himself away. He really was just a piece of shit, no wonder even Yamaguchi couldn’t stand him anymore. Tsukishima heaved in a breath. 

No, it wasn’t that Yamaguchi couldn’t stand him. He was the one who pushed everyone away, especially the ones he didn’t deserve. He dug his nails into his wrist and forced those thoughts to the side, picking up the pace. A few of his dad’s old pain pills should do the trick to ease his own heartache. 

As he walked by the open gyms he kept an eye out for Akaashi, Bokuto, or Kuroo. Despite the five stages of anguish he went through he was still very aware that any contact from those three, or at least Kuroo and Bokuto, would end up in a most likely unpleasant confrontation. Unpleasant in that Kei would stutter through a half assed explanation that they would most certainly not believe, and would most definitely question him on until he broke and let something slip. 

Tsukishima chose not to ponder on the theoretical, because if he timed things right he wouldn’t have to face any of them. Even though he was a few paces from gym three he could already hear Bokuto’s boisterous voice and Kuroo’s wheezing laughter. He moved to the wall and couldn’t help to move to the open window and peak inside. The scene before him made his chest ache just a little more. 

It was the subtle way Bokuto had his arms slung on both Akaashi and Kuroo’s shoulder, the former had a dust of pink on his cheeks, the latter looking at the ace with fond eyes and a smirk on his lips.

He really shouldn’t care about the trio, they barely knew him, the real him. They knew the Tsukishima that was pumped up with artificial compounds, the one that was much sweeter, happier, and overall a better him. Surely if Kei had actually been their friend they would realize how much they preferred the made up version.

Tsukishima quickly moved away from the window and continued to the dorms Karasuno were given. It was easier to stop thinking about those adoring expressions thrown between the three when he couldn’t form a comprehensive thought at all.

**~.~.~**

He reached into the small pocket on the inside of his duffel bag. The assortment of pills were stuffed into an opaque bottle that claimed to be for headache relief. Technically that claim was valid, Tsukishima would contend a few xanax worked better than any over the counter tylenol. 

He squeezed out the small plastic bag that held the old pain pills his dad used after some knee surgery. While they weren’t as strong after sitting in a cabinet for a few years, oxy was enough to stop the self deprecating reflection he was having. 

He dry swallowed two pills, hoping that was enough to get rid of his plaguing thoughts but not too much that he wouldn’t be able to get up and take a shower after his teammates fell asleep. He’d made that mistake a few months ago, he’d been so doped up he ended up staying the night at the old warehouse since he wasn’t even able to walk back home. 

Wording it like that Tsukishima knew he sounded like some druggie who camped out in the alleys, but he reasoned drugs were better than the alternative. The alternative was something he didn’t like to dwell on, because he knew the more he thought about it the more he would remember how much it helped stave off the anger, the sadness, the wave of emotions he hated so much. 

Sadly the high wasn’t coming fast enough, so he was caught contemplating instead of succumbing to the numbness. Kei gripped the wrist Tadashi had held earlier. Rolling up the sleeve he was met with a criss cross of scarring. Some were pink and shiny, others could barely be deemed scars, they were still scabbing, many were red and irritated from the way he dug his nails into the wounds. He haphazardly scratched at them before lowering his arm.

Tsukishima had put the alternative out of his mind because it was simply too annoying to cover up and hide from his teammates, but it was just as difficult to pretend he could function without a chemical aid. In the end he stopped after thinking about Yamaguchi’s reaction if he knew, the way his eyebrows would scrunch in concern and how he would ask why. Though it wasn’t as if finding out your friend was probably addicted to substances was any better than discovering they resorted to physical harm to cope. Lately his freckled friend was less concerned with Tsukishima, who was relieved but hurt at the same time. Tadashi was his one anchor, the one that made him second guess every decision. He was sure if he didn't have him there then every everything would fly out of the window.

Kei heaved a sigh as the numb began to sate the chills from before. The stream of thoughts seemed to fizzle out as the pills worked their way into his bloodstream. Well, if things were going this way with Tadashi he wouldn’t have to worry about someone discerning a crack in his behavior. If Tsukishima pushed hard enough nobody would be left to notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! chapters will update more regularly since im on break rn, plus my college classes end soon thank fuck! this fic started as a write as i go type thing, as u could probably tell, but i am trying to flesh it out more :) thanks for reading, to be honest im suprised more than 10 people liked this, so thank u sm! 
> 
> please leave any suggestions or critiques, they are much appreciated!
> 
> TLDR: yamaguchi wants tsukishima to practice with him, tsukishima says no bc he is going through minor withdrawal. he sees gym 3 trio when he goes to the dorms and thinks about how he wishes he could be included but knows he would definitely fuck it up. plus, he reasons they only 'like' the artificial him aka him high (rip tsukki this mindset hits). then he takes some pills and there more dark monologue where he goes into his poor mental health and past coping mechanisms! it's implied that if yamaguchi and tsukishima weren't friends then tsukishima would probably go off the rails since yamaguchi is his anchor


	5. interruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keiji really wanted to stay on the waxed floors, maybe stew in his thoughts and conspiracies about the great mystery that is tsukishima kei. but, if he wanted to salvage any scraps of friendship with tsukishima he knew he’d have to follow both of them, probably be involved in a very awkward, perhaps explosive confrontation, and then deal with whatever fallout was left in the aftermath. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was hard to write form akaashis pov tbh because i don't read a lot of fics that have his perspective! but i tried lol
> 
>   
> IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE,, i had finals last week so i didn't have time to finish this up! but here u guys go, ill try to post again this week :)
> 
> i know this chapter is pretty short but i wanted to get something out at least lol

Akaashi wasn’t all that confident in his skills to read people, but when Tsukishima had walked into the gym the day after there was an obvious air to him. His shoulders were stiff and tense, and his eyes were glued to the floor as if it was some fascinating artifact. Even after loud exclamations of Tsukki from Bokuto and Kuroo the blonde just pretended he didn’t hear anything.

As much as Akaashi wanted to bring this up to the other two and craft a plan to approach Tsukishima he knew that would only prompt idiotic ideas which included: more questions and jabs at Tsukishima until they got a reaction, to hell with the consequences. 

This cold demeanor did not let up, even after a few days of the two trying to sidle up to Tsukishima. Akaashi was somewhat tempted to try the same thing with more subtlety but was easily discouraged as he walked into the gym and found that Tsukishima quickly gave him a glance then went back to staring at the wall while warming up with the rest of Karasuno. 

It wasn’t like Akaashi was naive and expected the blond to keep up with the polar opposite behavior he displayed on that hill, but it seemed as if the frigid attitude he gave off became more intense each time he looked at Kuroo, Bokuto, and even Akaashi. Keiji hadn’t even tried to bother him once he picked up the hints to leave Tsukishima alone, but the sharp glares were still directed his way.

Throughout the day Akaashi felt compelled to walk up to Tsukishima, but each time he wanted to approach him the blocker either disappeared or looked like he was praying to become invisible. If he was any less considerate then he would have chased after him or confronted him in between matches, but he knew that would only annoy him further and would not answer any of the questions he had. 

The sigh Akaashi let out was audible enough for Bokuto to turn and give him an owlish look with a furrowed brow.

“Bokuto do you think that Tsukishima… “ Akaashi trailed off and sighed again. It wasn’t like he even knew how to broach the topic since he himself did not know what the blonds behavior meant.

“What? You think he’s embarrassed from being all soft around us that night?”

“It sounds silly when you put it like that,” Akaashi replied, looking at the ceiling to avoid the pressing gaze.

Bokuto hummed and paused, meaning he was really thinking about how to word what he wanted to say, which was unusual enough. His next words put Akaashi in even more of a shocked state.

“Not really though, ‘kaashi. Didn’t you notice he never talks to anyone besides that freckly guy? I don’t think he even wants to be here right now, much less interact with any of us. Makes sense he would regret being all nice and breaking his salty exterior,” Bokuto stated this in a matter of fact way.

Akaashi cringed a little inside. The words coming from his boyfriend’s mouth left a strange feeling in his gut. However, it made sense, at least more than the explanation that Tsukishima got possessed by an angel last night or something.

The setter wanted to refute the fact that Tsukishima did most likely regret the time spent with the three, at least for Bokuto’s sake, who seemed dejected at the idea that Tsukki despised them so much he would pretend any positive interactions just didn’t happen at all.

Before he could get a word in though, Bokuto seemed to jump up from his spot on the floor, leaving Akaashi puzzled. At least until he saw that Koutaru was actually chasing after someone instead of storming away. 

Oh, he was following Tsukishima. Keiji really wanted to stay on the waxed floors, maybe stew in his thoughts and conspiracies about the great mystery that is Tsukishima Kei. But, if he wanted to salvage any scraps of friendship with Tsukishima he knew he’d have to follow both of them, probably be involved in a very awkward, perhaps explosive confrontation, and then deal with whatever fallout was left in the aftermath. 

**~.~.~**

It turned out to be very fortunate that Keiji felt such an obligation to act as the observer but he was not lucky enough to just be a bystander.

Akaashi was a little slow to walk after Bokuto as he weighed the short list of pros to the long list of cons, which started at visceral second hand embarrassment, and ended in the need to separate a physical fight. He trusted Tsukishima to not be one to engage in violence, but he had very little faith in Bokuto to not rile him up to the point of no return.

This speculation proved half true as Keiji heard his boyfriend’s boisterous voice before he even turned the corner to face him. 

“Why can’t you just give me a straight answer? I don’t care if you want to avoid me- well okay i do! But Keiji and Tetsu don’t deserve it!”

Akaashi perked up at the mention of his name and peeked around the corner. Bokuto was somewhat cornering Tsukishima, who looked painfully bored, arms crossed and stare quite vacant. His lip curled before he retorted, 

“Sorry, don’t know when I became so  _ close _ to you three, didn’t think you’d be offended,”

“We know something’ is up! You’re always sulking around, you don’t even look at us when we’re not playing a match, I don’t even see you practicing with your teammates either! Not to mention you won’t talk to freckle-face either, so what the hell is wrong? You can talk to us, if you won’t talk to at least him. You gave the me well us- impression that-” 

Tsukishima’s glare stopped Bokuto’s sentence, before he snapped, 

“Then you don’t really know me do you? That’s the point I was making,”

Despite the words holding a certain poison, when Akaashi studied Tsukishima’s bitter face it looked more tired than anything else. As if he wanted to just lie down instead of exerting whatever little energy by arguing with Bokuto.The eyebags were prominent on his pale waxy face, and his bloodshot eyes were framed by those pale lashes. Had he been crying?

Analyzing the younger more, he noticed the stiffness in his frame, his nails digging into his arms. What Akaashi had categorized as ‘bored’ seemed more like Tsukishima was uncomfortable, skittish, like a small animal cornered by a predator. 

Thinking of Bokuto as intimidating was a little humorous to Akaashi, but just hearing Kou’s tone he could picture the scowl on his face and the dark eyes. 

As the setter was caught up in staring at Tsukishima, he noticed it had gone quite silent compared to the near-yelling volume from before.

Then he zeroed in on those same bloodshot eyes staring at his soul.

Akaashi was suddenly involved in this shitstorm. Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know bokuto being super upset and frustrated at tsukki seems like an overreaction but i tried to show how he didn't just take it as like 'tsukki does not wanna pay attention to me :(' more like 'tsukki disliked being with us so much he pretended it didn't happen', which i could see him taking more of an offense to, especially since bokuto thinks akaashi and kuroo are amazing so why would kei not wanna be besties with them too??
> 
> and also i hate the trope that bokuto is really dumb and clueless so i wanted to add that he is pretty observative when it comes to people he cares about :)
> 
> (if there's confusion about relationships, i meant for that! the characters themselves may not realize their feelings and i didn't wanna flat out say it teehe)
> 
> \- idk if it would be easy for an average highschooler in japan to deduce their friend is dependent on drugs?? drug control and laws there are pretty strict so i assumed no, plus yamaguchi is really the only person who knew him before he started using drugs


	6. layer(s)?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sorry i haven't updated in like 2 months!! to be honest i lost steam for this fic and this second semester is keeping me busier than i thought,,, also lets be honest my mental health is in the shitter, so !
> 
> the space between this chapter and the next will probably be larger, im gonna try to prewrite a few chapters so i can update consistently though!
> 
> btw i post art on my instagram, if any of you liked the drawings i included in the first chaps! @offbrandlychees

“Well? What are you looking at?” Tsukishima bit out, trying to draw himself up into a more intimidating figure. It was quite a meaningless action since he felt more like a drowned rat going through withdrawal and was sure he looked like it too. He tensed more when he glanced at Bokuto, who looked ready to pounce on him for talking to Akaashi that way.

The setter in question looked less than impressed, raising his eyebrows and stepping out from the wall he had been hiding behind. 

“Well I was looking at this dispute, if you could even call it that,” the older let out a sigh, as if trying to decide if he wanted to speak his real thoughts, “but I would say it’s more like seeing someone who doesn’t want to rely on his friends refusing help.”

Tsukishima clicked his tongue before taking a step forward. If he spent one more second here instead of doing a quick emotion wipe in the bathroom he was gonna lose his mind.

That was before Bokuto stuck out an arm to stop him.

“You know we just wanna help right? We really like spending time with you Tsukki.”

Kei tensed at the nickname, picturing the same words coming from someone else’s mouth. Too bad he was faced with a persistent owl instead of the guy he pined over for years.

“Yes well the feeling wouldn’t be very mutual. I’m going to leave now, and I would appreciate if neither of you followed me.”

Bokuto bristled at the comment, opening his mouth to probably spout more nonsense about the magic of friendship or some bullshit, but Akaashi put a hand on his forearm before giving Kei a cold look.

Perhaps if it were another day Tsukishima would have melted under the ‘kind’ words and spoken his mind, but the sweet sentences the two directed at him were about five years too late. Tsukishima was done.

**.~.~.~.**

Akaashi watched the hunched figure of Tsukishima retreat before turning to Koutarou. The ace had a scrunched face, like he was trying hard to sort through the past ten minutes of back and forth. Akaashi himself wasn’t sure whether the event could be considered a pro or con, since it didn’t end up in a yelling match at least, but at the same time it wasn’t as if things ended amicably.

From the way Tsukishima had talked with a pinched voice and furrowed brows it was unlikely pushing the conversation more would have helped. Still, he couldn’t help but want to grab Tsukishima’s shoulder and pull him back like how Bokuto attempted. 

“‘Kaashi, do you think he hates us?”

“That’s a subjective question,” Akaashi paused, as Bokuto wilted, “but I don’t think so, I think Tsukishima is just going through some stress right now and… “

He trailed off, because even his own reasoning wasn’t a good explanation. Akaashi himself had felt the crushing weight of anxiety on his shoulders, and although he didn’t want to generalize, he knew this was a different situation. Tsukishima had been fine, actually great, a couple of days ago, and then it was like a switch had been flipped and now he was an asshole, or at least that’s what Kuroo had described the behavior as.

It seemed like Bokuto was even thinking the same thing, as he blinked those large amber eyes and then huffed.

“Ya know if Tetsu was here we could form a wall, like Date Tech!”

Akaashi let out a snort of laughter. Perhaps Bokuto was right, a three man block was much more efficient than one hulking ace and a slender setter, too many cracks for the willowy Kei to slip through.

Even with the possibility of cornering Tsukishima, Akaashi didn’t want to involve Kuroo too much. The Nekoma captain had a way of bluntly stating the truth, ripping away all the layers in an effortless fashion. The setter usually thought such straightforward actions were admirable, but something told him it wouldn’t be received well, most likely Kei would stomp away again and evade all three of them until camp ended.

That prospect left Akaashi feeling sour, he didn’t want Tsukishima to leave as is… Hell, when did he become so sensitive? He shook himself and tried to calm his mind. 

“Come on, we should go practice yea? I bet Kuroo is waiting for us.”

The words tasted a bitter in his mouth, as he knew Tsukishima’s absence would be felt by all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, i have no business planning another fic with my sluggish writing on this one but,, i had planned for awhile to do a yamatsukki version of this fic, where yams reciprocates and it goes more into their childhood friendship, etc, etc! 
> 
> tell me what you guys think, if i go through with it i think it would be more consistent since i have an easier time writing yamaguchi, plus it would be 2 POV instead of the 4/5 POV of this one! 
> 
> (me: damn it is hard to write all these perspective,,,, also me: dumbass you planned this shit eye-)


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